Your Love

Your Love

I am grateful
that Allah has given me
the gift of your love

You have shown me
your respect
your kindness
your honesty

I have learn to accept you
as you are
I have learn to respect you
for your principles
I have learn to love you
for the love you have given me

For my husband, 4th October 2005

Help Me Find Her

Help Me Find Her

My baby, where is my baby?
someone, please help me
I lost her when the wave came
the second wave

She was wearing a red dress
a pink ribbon on her hair
she had on her red slippers
and a homemade red beads bracelet

She was going to town with me
such a beautiful morning
she wants to wear her best dress
in case she meets her friends

I have to find her
Help me find her
Maybe she's near
Maybe she's resting
Maybe.....

Tsunami, 26th December 2004

Through This Broken Glass

Through This Broken Glass


Looking through this broken glass
I saw a broken me
A spirit lost
A soul sad
A woman beaten

Looking through this broken glass
I saw an empty future
With shattered dreams
Wilted hopes

Looking through this glass
I search for a glitter
A little shimmer of love
To lift me up
And reach
Happiness

September 27th, 2005

Moments With My Son

Moments With My Son

When I look at you, my son
I see your father
I see your grandfather
I see a little boy
trying to impress everyone

Mostly though,
I see, a loving son
who still kisses me at bedtime
kiss my hand before going to school
hugs me for no reason
tricked me to still sleep in my bed


These moments I'll cherish
Soon you'll be too old for everything
Soon you'll lead the life you want
And I'll be left with those moments
those kisses, hugs and togetherness
Moments with my son

September 26th, 2005

Nur Bonda

Nur Bonda


Bonda,
Ku pasti kau melihatku kini
Kau menangisiku
Kurangnya imanku
Lemahnya semangatku
Dalamnya kemurunganku

Bonda,
Kau pasti memerhati dengan pilu
Tikar sembahyang yang tergantung
Telekung yang dilipat cantik
Namun tak kedengaran bacaan kalimah Al-Quran
Tiada doa buat mu

Bonda,
Kuharap hari ini berbeza
Ku ingin bertatih menjalani hidup ini
Ku ingin meminjam semangatmu
Keimananmu
Kegembiraanmu
Keikhlasan hatimu
Sebagai permulaan hidupku
Semuga kusendiri
Akan ketemu Nur itu
Yang akan membanggakan mu

27th September, 2005

The Hippie Fashion and "Nan"

When I was in primary school, my Uncle had a constant squabble nightly with my Grandma, Mmok as I call her. I would be in my room and cheekily peeking through the door keyhole to listen more. It was like a recording night after night;
"Bakpe paka baju gitu? Baju Mmok tu."
"Tõk malu sungguh."
"Mu nak gi duane paka gitu?"
"Buat mende?"
My Uncle would continue whatever he was doing without any reply whatsoever.

It was the 1970's and the fashion was hippie. My Uncle and his friends somehow rather had figured out the cheapest way to be hip. I could not understand it then but years after, it was crystal clear. Hippies then wore clothes somewhat like a kurta for men...

My Uncle, in his glory to be hip, had continuously wore my Mmok's baju kurung nightly to get together with his friends. It was hilarious to see him in a baju kurung but it was as close and as cheap as he could get to looking "hip"!! AND that was the closest he got to be a hippie….a true fashion hippie, definitely not a hippie at heart…no drugs, no girls!

How I wish I could put up the picture of him in the baju kurung with his friends here. It was the epitome of fashion as far as I was concerned! I'd have to chat with him about that when I see him next time.

My Uncle is a man to be admired. He is not that much older than me. I call him by his first name and never did feel he is my Uncle. Deep in my heart, he - "Nan" is my brother. He loves my Mmok unconditionally. Mmok was a complicated woman with very turbulent swings of emotions attached to every sentence. My Uncle is the complete opposite. Quiet, respectful, serious, honest to the bone, patient and the kindest person I know. A simple straight forward man who places his family first. He has many love in his life - his love for soccer, his passion for singing, his love for cats, his undying commitment to his work and the obsession for a perfectly ironed shirt.

I love my Uncle, my big brother in disguise. May he be blessed by Allah with a wonderful family, good health and a permanent place in Syurga. Insyaallah…..

Mu Nak Gi Duane?

This note was originally written in facebook on Thursday, December 31, 2009 at 2:14am


In the book "Growing Up In Trengganu", Awang Goneng wrote this "Mu nak gi duane?". That brought me so far back in time. This is the question my grandmother always asked whenever I ask permission to go out or when she thinks I'm sneaking out.

Simply translated - Where are you going? I cannot believe that a simple sentence could bring so many memories. I am reading the last few topics of Awang Goneng book and it simply is incredible to dig deep in my long term memory bank and recall happy and sad memories from this one sentence.

My grandmother is a stern woman - garang sungguh. She'll be standing by the kitchen door with her hands on the hips shouting that dreadful question. I'm usually going off to the shop or to Lily's house or to Aizan's house. All plans halted and if I decide to make a step and go anyway, all hell will break lose!

I do not remember very clearly the day I receive news that I was picked to study overseas. I only remember pure happiness to finally be out of the house. And now that I read this sentence in the book, the memory has slightly deepened. My grandma was asking the same question in a different tone this time. I would say she was probably sad that I am happy to leave. I remember now the blessing was really not fully given but the love took over and she let me go with a very heavy heart. I remember telling her that I will have to do well for a year then they will decide which university and which country to go to. She ddi not send me off. My Aunt Ayong did.


Mu nak gi duane lepah ni?

I'd hope to meet her later in Jannah. Insyaallah....

Benteng

This note was originally written in Facebook on Friday, December 18, 2009 at 1:24am

I remember Benteng very well. I had great memories there. Especially with Lily. Lily and her family has a small restaurant there. I love that place. I cannot recall how it looks like before but I remember Lily’s food place was among the first few. Was it number 1, my memory is failing me.

Benteng has a great atmosphere. It is located just beside the Kuantan Bus Station, facing the Kuantan River. I remember the smell of freshly fried keropok lekor and fried bananas. I’d go to Lili’s food shop with my brother or friends. Sometimes just eating, sometimes helping to peel onions (I was incredibly useless at it), and sometimes taking orders. I’d screw up the orders all the time as I was unsure whether Teh-o-beng means with or without ice. I was pathetic. Unlike Lily who matures way before her age and “kitchen” is her first language.

Benteng is still there. It is still referred as “Benteng” by the faithful Kuantan folks, although it is now known as Taman Esplanade. Upgraded with a passageway for nightwalks, there are river rides, new restaurants and food court. The keropok lekor, dry keropok, kerepeks, sagun, belacan, ikan kering stalls are still there. More organized, cleaner and modern. It’s beautiful, the river is definitely cleaner, and the food varies, the washroom cleaner.

Wonder if Lily Mom’s food place is still there....I miss her teh-o-beng......

Memories of Tengkujuh in Kuantan

This note was originally written in Facebook on Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 12:14am


December is definitely THE worst month of the year when I was young. It means endless days with nothing to do and nowhere to go. It rains endlessly and I am always glad I live on the hill, Bukit Sekilau. Remote chance of a flood happening.

There was nothing much one can do when tengkujuh comes. I remember sitting in my room, reading my book, looking out the slightly opened wooden window. It may be incredibly boring for some, listening to the sound of the rain on the asbestos roof, but it was music to my ears. I did not think I would miss it but I did, especially when spring came in New Brunswick. We definitely have better rain here.

Food was scarce during tengkujuh. Lunch was ikan singgang and budu, pucuk ubi rebus and sambal belacan, fried ikan masin and daily crispy fried ikan tamban. Ikan tamban is like the staple in my house. Fried fresh kampung eggs for breakfast with nasi goreng, definitely lots of ubi kayu rebus for tea with kelapa parut and my favourite gula nissang (gula melaka), sometimes if I am lucky there's chek mek molek too. I remember when I was in Kemaman, my cousin sisters would take me (the town girl) to the back of their house to collect paku-pakis for lunch even though it is drizzling. I would pretend to be as tough as them going into the unknown bushes.

The rain is rather strange in the east coast. No matter how long you are playing in the rain, you'll never get sick. No sniffles, no flu, no fever. My grandmother would allow us to play in the rain all the time, as long as it is within her view. I would be running and jumping in water puddles, splashing water and sand to my brother. Our house has more sand than the normal soil. When my children were younger, I let them play in the rain for the first time. It was incredible to see them playing in the rain for the first time. And they did not get sick at all!

There was one year; I was in Kemaman for a short stay with my cousin sisters. The rain was so heavy; Kemaman was under a few feet of water. It was my first experience with flood. Getting evacuated, had to walk in the flood until the main road and transferred on a small boat (sampan). My grandaunts and granduncles had to stay and make sure everything in the house is safe. I remember they have these beams going across the alang in the house. I remember chairs and TVs, books and other valuables there. The house is still there, my cousin sister stays in the house but it is nicer and modern now.

When I am back in Kuantan, the rain does smell the same...the sound no more. We have new roof, new glass windows. I miss the wooden windows with small cracks in between. I miss the cotton homemade curtains that flew furiously when the windows are open on a rainy day. I miss my grandmother who always tells me I can play in the rain. I am here now and the rain will create new memories for my children...the sound, the smell and the wind that comes with the rain.

I was searching for some rain pictures in Kuantan and found this which was really interesting - rain in Pantai Teluk Cempedak

Credit : http://www.flickr.com/photos/munkeygirl/

Akok

This note was originally written in Facebook Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 9:56pm


I actually stopped reading when the first "akok" (kuih akok - sweet dessert) word was used. My grandma sells akok in my neighborhood in Bukit Sekilau. I hate helping her....slaving over the burning of coconut husks, tears running on my cheeks, secretly planning a get away when I get older as I blew the flickers of fire on the husks. I pretended to hate akok in my teens.

As a matter of fact ... I like akok. I love kuih bakar, telur itik, jala emas.... Arwah Mmok was like an artist when it comes to making these desserts. Definitely a must in any Trengganu weddings and most east coast weddings. I do have regrets for not learning to do these incredibly sweet desserts. My will to leave Bukit Sekilau was so strong....nothing else matters.

I remember Arwah Mmok on the pangkin with the akok mixture, giving instructions on what to do so the fire is just right for the akok. She would tell me I have to learn to get the fire right or the akok will turn out bad, girls must know how to do it, it is a skill need to be learnt, just imagine what would become of me if do not do well in the kitchen and so on. I do miss her babbling...

This recipe I have kept for quite sometime and have tried only once way back when there was only me (cannot remember when). Not bad for a first try.

Ingredients
10 pcs of gula melaka - slice it thinly (the standard small size, about a kilo)
7 duck eggs
5 pieces of pandan leaves (or less)
2 cups of coconut milk (from 2 coconut)
1 teaspoon of salt
200gm flour

Method
There is 2 method to make akok
1. Mix the gula melaka with the telur
2. Beat it until kembang
3. Put the daun pandan in (small pieces)
4. Mix in the santan and garam
5. Mix in the flour, make sure there is no lumps
6. Rest the mixture for about 15 to 20 minutes
7. Sieve the mixture, it has to be very fine and with no bubbles.
8. I just place the akok mould in the oven at 200deg C - between 10 to 15 minutes. Kalau nak best of course you need the arang and sabut kelapa...

Cik Mek Molek

This note was originally written in Facebook on Monday, November 30, 2009 at 10:33pm

This kueh is probably the first Trengganu kueh I learn to make....strangely enough I never make anymore although I love to eat it. I remember on many occasion when Mok and/or Ayyong made this kueh, I would be there waiting, observing, waiting, observing and grabbing the first three or four pieces for myself. Place it in a plastic plate and running up to my room (well, OUR room....Ayyong, my brother Din and me).

I can hear Mok shouting top of her lungs "jangang makang dalang bilik tu, nati semmuut. Kueh panaah lagi...blah blah". I'll be sitting down on the bed with hard home made cotton mattress, facing the pomegranate tree with a Nancy Drew book on my left hand. Burnt my tongue so many times, spill the sugar filling on my books and on the mattress and on my good dresses (which I do not have many!). I'd get some good smacking from Mok but I do still feel it was worth it.

I cannot remember when I first made it but definitely not in my own home in Bukit Sekilau. It is made with ubi keledek (white ones are the best), flour, sugar and some salt. I remembered making the kueh using sweet potato...what a disaster. Here's my basic recipe...it depends a lot on the texture and how long you cook the ubi keledek...so use your instinct ;-) You don't actually need this recipe once you get the hang of it!

600g ubi keledek
1/2 cwn tepung gandum
1/2 cwn gula
Sedikit garam

Minyak untuk menggoreng

1.Clean the ubi and rebus with some garam until it's very soft.
2. Cool the ubi and then mash it.
3. Mix it with the flour thoroughly. It should not be mushy.
4. Make the mixture into an oval and place the sugar inside (I usually put about a teaspoon) and then close it properly. The shape should be as per attached picture. The shape will remain the same after frying
5. Deep fry until golden in color. if the kueh is not done properly, the sugar will start to ooze out during frying...not good!

I think in some states like Kedah, it has a different name and filling. Some has curry meat filling which I do not favour so much.

Credit: the picture is from resipi.net if I am not mistaken.
 

Bronok

This note was originally written in Facebook on Friday, November 20, 2009 at 12:25am

Another dessert mentioned in the book by Awang Goneng. I remember stuffing my face with this when I was small. Ayyong buaat sokmo. Again, I do not know how to make this.

I can only remember reading in my room...reading over and over again my Famous Five books. My name will be called, tea with bronok is ready. I never get any big pieces, my brother did. He always get the best, the most, the biggest etc all the time.

Bronok is sweet and salty, always pink in colour with incredibly soft texture. I love the coconut - that's where the saltiness came from.

I miss the kitchen experience with Ayyong and Mok :-(

Still reading "Growing Up in Trengganu"...

Originally written in Facebook - Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 12:09am

A really good book. I still have yet to finish it but itching to comment on it. So many memories of my life with Mmok (my grandma) and Ayyong. It is Trengganuland at its best....ask Nurul Asyikin and her elder sister Nurul Hidayah. Her mom was our neighbour whom I have forever known as Abbangku Yah (the 2 b's is on purpose to stress the Trengganu speak).

No conversation comes out from Mmok and Ayyong or Abbangku Yah other than in Trengganu speak. I have retaliate from Trengganu speak as long as I could remember. Not born in Trengganu so I constantly ignored it. Maybe even think of it lowly at some point of my turbulent teenage life.

Awang Goneng described his Mom so well that I could see both Mmok and Ayyong ... popping out of the pages of his book. The crystallized jelly brought back the days when Mmok make them too. Searching for the best warm sun to dry the jellies.

I actually stopped reading when the first "akok" (kuih akok - sweet dessert) word was used. My grandma sells akok in my neighborhood in Bukit Sekilau. I hate helping her....slaving over the burning of coconut husks, tears running on my cheeks, secretly planning a get away when I get older as I blew the flickers of fire on the husks. I pretended to hate akok in my teens.

I have to finish reading the book....it is slow as it brings too many memories of my Trengganu family!!

My Father, My Hero

originally written in Facebook - Thursday, July 30, 2009 at 2:40am

My father passed away on 31st July 1979, 7th Ramadhan.
Keratan Utusan Malaysia
Kuantan 1 Ogos, 1979
Seorang detektif, Ahmad Bin Rasol ditembak mati oleh salah seorang dari empat orang perompak yang bersenjatakan pistol dan bertopeng dalam satu cubaan merompak di sebuah bangunan kedai, Jalan Teluk Sisek di sini tengah malam tadi.
Konstabel Ahmad, 30, dari ibu pejabat CID disini mati serta merta akibat terkena tembakan di pelipis kirinya.
Bagaimanapun, adalah dipercayai ia berjaya mencederakan salah seorang dari perompak itu dan gerakan mengesannya sedang diteruskan.
Polis sehingga ini telah memberkas dan menahan seorang lelaki berumur dalam lingkungan 20 tahun yang disyaki terlibat dalam kejadian itu di Jalan Bukit Ubi di sini awal pagi ini.
Sebuah kereta jenis Alfa Romeo berwarna merah telah ditahan bersama lelaki yang disyaki itu.
Kereta tersebut terdapat kesan-kesan darah yang dipercayai dari kecederaan yang dialami oleh salah seorang perompak itu akibat tembakan Ahmad Rasol.Lelaki itu juga dipercayai sebagai pemandu kereta tersebut.
Ketua Siasatan Jenayah Pahang, Penguasa F. David memberitahu hari ini Konstabel Ahmad sedang menjalankan tugas biasa bila ia ternampak empat orang lelaki - tiga daripadanya bertopeng - menyerbu ke tingkat pertama sebuah bangunan kedai dan mengugut sembilan hingga sepuluh orang yang berada disitu.
Perompak-perompak itu memberi amaran kepada orang ramai supaya jangan bising sambil memberitahu "ini adalah rompakan".
Konstabel Ahmad cuba bertindak untuk mematahkan cubaan rompakan itu dengan mengeluarkan pistolnya. Salah seorang dari perompak melepaskan tempbakan kepada Konstabel Ahmad dan mengenai pelipis kirinya.
Ia rebah disitu, tetapi sempat melepaskan satu das tembakan kepada perompak-perompak itu dan mencederakan seorang darinya.
Ketua Polis Pahang, Datuk Ghazali Abu Bakar, Penguasa David dan OCPD Kuantan, Encik Tahir Sijan berkejar ketempat kejadian itu dan mengarahkan penyiasatan.
Penguasa David percaya tiga dari perompak itu adalah orang tempatan dan seorang lagi dari luar Pahang.
Polis telah meminta kerjasama doktor-doktor persendirian dan singseh Cina menyampaikan segera maklumat sekiranya mereka didatangi oleh seorang lelaki yang terkena tembakan untuk mendapatkan rawatan.
Sementara itulewat petang ini polis Kuantan menahan 5 orang lelaki berhubung dengan kejadian mati seorang mata-mata gelap itu.
Tangkapan itu dilakukan dalam beberapa serbuan mengejut yang diatur sejak awal pagi.
Sementara itu jenazah Allahyarham Ahmad Bin Rasol selamat dikebumikan dengan penuh kehormatan polis disini petang ini.

Although the story above does not do justice to what actually happen due to confidentiality issues, Abah was the bravest man I know, the most loving man I know.
Abah was a brave, stern, strict and courageous man in the eyes of others....
Abah was just a Big Teddy Bear to me..the only one who hugs me...gives me comfort and security...

Abah was buried beside Mama...for once my Stepmom listen to his request...the only time she ever listen...and fought for what Abah wants.

Alfatihah to...
Abah - Ahmad Bin Rasol,
Mama - Rabiah Bt Hussein
and my Stepmom - Saripah


...Miss You, Abah...

What does porcupine meat taste like?

Bukit Sekilau is my kampung. The Shining Hill. I was told that it was named from the fishes found in the small river while they were clearing up the land.

Growing up, there were many encounters with strange animals as my grandmother's house was so near to the thick jungle of Bukit Sekilau. These encounters were possible because of my step grandfather. I called him Ayoh (Father). I'll blog separately on why I called him that.

Ayoh was an adventurer…(I got the adventurous bug from him, maybe?). He would venture into the jungle and came back carrying a big log on his shoulder 3 or even 4 times his size. I kid you not. I remembered being asked whether he "bela hantu" (rearing ghosts). That's another blog post…Occasionally he would set up a trap and we would be able to see strange looking animals the next morning. Musang (fox) and landak (porcupine) would be most commonly seen. I remember Ayoh proudly standing beside his trap with a very slight smile.

I was never allowed to witness the sembelih process. I am, in a way, thankful for that. The one thing I always get though, is the porcupine quills or duri or spine. I kept it to use as a pointer during mengaji Al-Quran (reciting Al-Quran). There were thin, short and very soft porcupine quills and there are some which are as long as my Al-Quran. They are really sharp and I had to snip the tip just to be safe.

At lunch there's a special dish of course - porcupine meat. Strangely enough, this is the part I could not recall. What dish did my grandmother cook? How could I ever recall the taste of the porcupine meat if I cannot remember the dish?

I hope someone out there can tell m the taste of porcupine meat…I sincerely hope the answer is not "it taste like chicken"!!

Update: In 1972, Landak was registered as an endangered species. Today it is not under any threat of extinction. As a matter of fact, in Malaysia, the Jabatan Haiwan (Veterinary Department) has a program to rear landak commercially (specifically in Perak circa 2005). There'll be enough landak meat for everyone!!

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Learn Something New, Discover Something New

I am currently writing my blog in the Microsoft Office OneNote on my shiny Compaq Presario CQ35. Why do I write all these? It sounds intelligent. It is cool. I could update all my recipes, properly filed, colored and automatically saved. No worries.
 

And I discovered it could also store my ramblings and I could actually update my blog from my OneNote to the blog site. How cool is that? Very cool indeed. No big deal for you? It is an achievement for me today!!
 

Many of us are comfortable in the "comfort" zone. Same daily routine, same group of friends, drive the same 20 year old car, wear the same style clothes, have the same hairstyle since high school, wear the same tudung style and nothing out of place or the ordinary. No worries, no surprises, no hassle….just a simple monotonous life. Many of us do not feel comfortable venturing into the unknown, the new and the "out of place" ventures.  
 

I am not that someone.
 

Me being adventurous is solely driven by my yearning to be away from my family. You will read this again and again in my post (I am predicting the future posting trend). Why the yearning to be away? Well I have only posted 3 ramblings…be patient.
 

How adventurous you may wonder? I have been on a roller coaster ride even though I am not medically fit to actually do it. At the age where I could make a good decision because I have a more matured and experienced brain, I decided I'll just take the normal roller coaster ride and the floorless roller coaster. I have a neck problem - specifically between my C5, C6 and C7 neck bones. I do believe the "adventurous" part of my brain just took over. A lovely present waits after - therapy, nausea and a long sick leave. Would I do it again? Just make sure I am not in the visual distance of a roller coaster…I have been to Berjaya Times Square twice and it is tempting to get on that ride. 
 

I have also skied down the expert slope after one lesson on how to ski. I reached the bottom safely with strategically torn pants (and I mean really strategically). You can include stupidity on top of adventurous. But the whole experience was worth it - worth the torn pants humiliation and walking like something was in between my crotch for a week. I thought the whole population of New Brunswick was whispering "torn pants" for weeks.
 

I never did ski ever again….so much for being adventurous.

Carpe Diem

Quoted from Wikipedia:
Original usage from Odes 1.11, in English by poet Horace:

"Don't ask (it's forbidden to know) what end
the gods will grant to me or you, Leuconoe. Don't play with Babylonian
fortune-telling either. It is better to endure whatever will be.
Whether Jupiter has allotted to you many more winters or this final one
which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the rocks placed opposite
be wise, drink your wine, and scale back your long hopes
to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have {already} fled
Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the next."

In life I have learned that everyday is different in its own way. You really do not know the future. Will you meet up with winter, spring, summer or autumn again? Will there still be a monsoon? Will there be another birthday to celebrate, another child for "khatan" ceremony? Will i get to attend my daughter's wedding?

"Scale back your long hopes to a short period"
I do believe in making the day the best you could. You decide on what you want your day to be - colourful or grey. Seize it, make it yours. make it a day to remember!

When I was younger in a use-to-be small town Kuantan, I believe my whole existence was to get out and be free. Not of the town but of my family. I never see day to day, I see 10 years ahead. Constantly visualizing the life I will have. I believe deeply now that I have suppressed many incredible, beautiful, touching and wonderful memories locked in my brain somewhere.

I am now more convinced that if I try hard enough, there were happiness in my life despite remembering crytally clear all my awful, sad and full of anger memories. The more positive memories has been triggered this past year through reading books which are near to my heart and the way I was brought up. Triggered by long lost friends from my school days.

I should have seize the day then, I would have been able to tell wonderful stories from my childhood. I cannot remember a big chunk of my childhood. It is like a big jigsaw puzzle that's never coming together unless I find the missing pieces.

Is your life a jigsaw puzzle too? How did I get here with the missing pieces? I'm still searching for those pieces while making sure carpe diem is part of me daily.



Notes:
"khatan" - circumcision ceremony

So they say...

They say I should have a blog. Well, I decided that I would
"Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero"
"Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future".

So here I am blogging my first post to my so-called first blog Que Sera Sera - whatever will be will be. Thanks to my MGSS clan '83 for the encouragement and trust. Thanks to Turtle Mariah who has a vision of a book when I start rambling even if it just about an old recipe with memories attached. Thanks to Taylorians '85.....

Let's see how long this will last and whether there is such a thing as running out of memory or bloggers' block!!

Seize the day...bring it on!!